Dear Dr. Dora,
Last weekend, I was home alone for the first time in twenty years. My oldest son started college, and has moved away from home. My husband was on a business trip. My two other kids had plans with friends! I’m so used to a house full of people—I didn’t know what to do with myself.
I felt so sad and empty. Is this what I’m looking forward to in the future, when all my kids leave the home?
A Dedicated Mom
Dear Dedicated,
First of all, congratulations on your success, that your son is in college. You’ve launched a young man into the world. Can you imagine if he never left home, or if he was a ten year old (or acted like it), forever?
I can only imagine the work you’ve done toward him being accepted to college—the homework help, the lunches you’ve packed, the shuttling to and from school, since kindergarten. You’ve worked hard each day for years, to launch this college boy. Yet your success is bittersweet—your son is no longer in your home. And if you’re successful, your other two kids will follow.
Your life is entering a transition. All transitions are difficult, even if they’re for the better. But keep in mind, that by definition, transitions are temporary.
In my twenty-plus years as a psychiatrist, I have seen many people go through, what’s sometimes called—the empty-nest stage of life. It’s hard for most people—but only at first. From what I’ve seen, it doesn’t take long to get used to: fewer dishes, less laundry, a cleaner house, and simply, more time.
You are entering a new phase of life. This is when many women become more engaged in their careers, are more fulfilled intellectually, have more friends, and make greater contributions to their communities. Women tend to work longer in their lives, than men. Remember the person you’ve always been. Remember the relationship with your husband, from before your kids entered your lives.
Do not worry about your life continuing to be full—but view it as a choice for you to make. You can choose to take on new tasks, or to simply, be more present, less pressured, in the life you already lead. You may find your life even fuller—as you engage in this new phase of life, while your children continue to be in your life, but in a different way. Many parents find only a few years of peace—before their children return, needing the help of mom and dad, with grandchildren.
Congratulations again, at the accomplishment of your son being in college. I wish to leave you with a feeling of success, and of beauty, of the years to come.
Sincerely,
Dr. Dora